Wow Rach, we're screwed!
by ColferWorshipper
Summary: Rachel and Finn have a little bundle of joy coming their way.. But is it really such a joyful bundle? Violence waring.
1. Chapter 1

Finn Hudson walked out of the locker room after practice on a Thursday night. He was the quarterback and star of his football team, The McKinley High Raiders, and captain of his school's glee club, The New Directions. He was getting kinda hungry and wanted to go get a burger.

"Yeah" Finn thought as he walked through the halls "a big beef patty covered with cheese and tomato and lettuce."

He closed his eyes and leaned up against a locker, licking his lips as he envisioned his perfecting burger, miming the action of taking a bite, when someone suddenly grabbed his arm.

"Who's there?! I'm warning you I know how to fight!" Finn yelled, turning side to side, nervously.

"Finn it's me." said a girl's vice from below him.

"Oh, Rachel" Finn said, looking down a foot and one inch below him to see the petite figure of his girlfriend. "I was just-" Finn noticed the worried look on her face and the tears forming in her eyes. "What happened?" he said to her "Did someone do something to you? Who was it, I'll kick his ass!"

"No, no one hurt me." She whispered, her voice about ten thousand times quieter then her normal, loud stage voice.

"What's wrong, Rach?" He asked, lowering himself so that their eyes were at the same level.

"Come in here." she whispered, opening the door to an empty classroom.

He obediently followed his girlfriend through the door.

"Rachel, what's going on?" He asked, now extremely concerned.

"Finn, I'm pregnant." She said, staring blankly at the desk in front of her. "Oh fuck! Not this again! Did you make sure it's mine? Not Puck's?" He yelled, slamming his hand down on the desk. "I never slept with Puck." She said, continuing to stare at the same desk.

"Are you gonna keep it?"

"Well I'm certainly not having an abortion, if that's what you're asking!" She said, her eyes darting up to look at his face. "Didn't you ever read the Torah, like I told you to?!"

"Well I started but then it got kinda boring and I fell asleep." Finn said sheepishly as his eyes wandered to the ground.

"Well, it says that I can't get an abortion unless the baby is a direct threat to my health." She said sternly.

"Do your dads know?" He asked, looking back at her face.

"No, I haven't told them yet." she said, her voice creeping back down to a whisper "But they're sure to notice the bump soon, especially in my leotards." Her big, teary eyes darted to Finn's face "Wait, Finn, I can't dance while I'm pregnant. I can't do musical theatre. I need to get more shows on my resume if I even stand a chance of getting into NYADA in the fall!" The tears began streaming from her eyes.

Finn shushed and comforted his distraught girlfriend, hugging her small, shaking body tight and rocking her back and forth as she sobbed, assuring her things would be okay, while in his own mind, he was just as frighten as she was.


	2. Chapter 2

On a Friday night about a month later, Rachel, Kurt, and Mercedes sat on Rachel's bed watching the 2004 movie of Phantom Of The Opera.

"Ha! You DIED!" Rachel yelled pointing at the hanging corpse of Joseph Buquet on her TV screen.

Kurt exchanged a confused, concerned glance with Mercedes and offered some popcorn to his friend who would normally be crying at this film.

"Kurt, get that disgusting stuff away from me!" She screamed at him, then clutched her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

Once she had left the room, Kurt walked over to the bedroom door and shut it behind her.

"What the hell is wrong with her?" Mercedes asked, pointing over her shoulder at the door out into the hall.

"She kinda reminds you of Quinn a few years ago, doesn't she?" Kurt replied, sauntering back over to the bed.

"You don't think..." Mercedes said, a look of realization slowly dawning on her face.

"You got another explanation?" He said, flopping down on the bed beside her.

"Rachel Berry? Pregnant? I mean all the signs point to it, but I don't know..." Mercedes replied in disbelief.

"Ladies and gentlemen! This is an accident! Merely an accident!" Monsieur Firmin seemed to reply from the television.

A drunken-looking Rachel Berry stumbled back into the room, and noticed Kurt trying to examine her stomach from different angles. Even though she knew she shouldn't be showing yet, she crossed her arms over her tummy just to be safe.

"Kurt, what the fuck are you doing?" she asked, looking him in the eye, doing her best to appear as though she didn't already know the answer to her question, and thought to herself that she should win an Academy Award for this performance.

Kurt, sticking his face up in the air in attempt to see a baby bump, answered, "Just trying to guess when the loud little bastard is due."

"What are you talking about? I mean I know I've put on a little-"

"Cut the crap, sweetheart." Kurt said, taking a bite of pizza "You're pregnant with a louder, more Jewish version of Godzilla."

Rachel's gaze quickly moved to the floor. "I'm not due for another seven months." She said, still staring at the tin white carpet beneath her.

"Have you gone to a doctor yet?" Mercedes asked, and both of her companions turned to look at the girl sitting back against the bed frame.

"Well, no, I haven't-"

"Quinn started seeing a doctor at eight weeks." Mercedes said matter-of-factly.

Kurt, cocking his head to the side, said, "How do you know that?"

"We were friends... She helped me with my self-image and then I sang Beautiful at the pep rally... She lived in my house..." Mercedes said in disbelief.

"I don't remember this." Rachel said with a blank expression on her face.

"I know you don't. No one remembers being friends with me. I'm shocked you guys even invited me. Generally people just think I'm too concerned with tater tots to worry about friends. And I do love me some tots." Mercedes said, pulling a basket of tots out from under Rachel's bed.

Rachel shot a lustful glance towards Mercedes' tater tots.

Kurt gave Mercedes a shocked look and asked "How long have you been hiding those there?" Both girls ignored him.

"Hey Mercedes," Rachel said, licking her lips "Can I have one?"

"Rachel, do you not care that she was hiding tiny fried potato pieces under your bed for god knows how long?!" Kurt again got no response.

"Hell to the no bitch! These are my tots! For me only!" She yelled, pointing to the words "MERCEDES' TOTS" painted in purple on the side of the basket.

"Mercedes," Rachel began, obviously attempting to control rage, "I am with child! I am a pregnant woman with needs, and cravings, and I need those tater tots NOW!" She ended up screaming the last sentence in Mercedes' face.

Mercedes pulled her arm back to hit Rachel, but just before she could, the bedroom door burst open, as one of Rachel's dads burst in with a petrified expression on his face.

"WHO is pregnant?!" He yelled, as a single bead of sweat ran past his eyes, which darted back and forth from one side of the room to the other.

Kurt scooted to the edge of the bed, grabbed the bowl of popcorn and moved his gaze from the TV screen to the scene unfolding in front of him.


	3. Chapter 3

"Rachel, how did this happen?!" Hiram Berry yelled at his daughter's stomach.

"Well I think you know _how _it happened." Kurt said, smirking and earning a high five from Mercedes, who was holding back laughter.

"Okay…" Hiram said, staring intensely at the ground "We'll just have you get an abortion and no one has to know."

"Daddy! I can't do that!" Rachel said, her hands immediately flying over stomach at the mention of an abortion.

"You would do it if Barbra told you to… Can we get Barbra to tell you to?"

"Barbra would not tell me to get an abortion!" she yelled at her father.

"Well how exactly do you plan to pay for all the things your kid's gonna need?" Hiram asked.  
"I figured we could give the baby to Shelby. She _was_ Vocal Adrenaline's coach. She could raise my kid to be a star." Rachel answered.

"Okay. That could work. But what are you going to do about theatre? You know you need more shows on your resume. And there aren't a ton of roles for pregnant women in too many musicals." Hiram said, starting to calm down some.

"Well, the theatre by the mall is holding auditions for Beauty And The Beast this weekend and I shouldn't be showing too much when that opens next month. I see no reason for me not to be able to get Belle." Rachel said, looking her father in the eye. "And I'll have already had my kid before my NYADA audition."

"Okay... This might just work." Hiram said, then, pointing his nose up in the air, confusedly asked, "Does anyone else smell tater tots?"

Finn woke up, and just like any other Saturday, staggered down the stairs and into the kitchen. He grabbed a box of cheerios and laughed thinking that Puck also eats lots of Cheerios. He then proceeded to open the fridge and accidentally grabbed and poured the orange juice on his cereal. He sat down and began eating, confused by the strangely fruity taste. His brother then walked in the front door and set his Porsche Design Black Leather Tote on the chair opposite Finn.

"Hey, dude, how was Rachel's?" Finn asked, nonchalantly.

"Interesting…" Kurt began, walking around the table "Dramatic…" Kurt paused as he positioned his head right behind his brother's ear and screamed "PREGNANT."

"You got my girlfriend pregnant?!" Finn yelled, as he stood up and swung his chair over his head as if he intended to murder Kurt.

"No, Finn…" Kurt said, standing on his tiptoes so he could place a single ivory hand on one of the chair legs and guide it down to the ground "You did."

"Oh right…" Finn said, then a sudden look of realization dawning on his face said, "Wait she told you? Was Mustang there too?"

"Yes, MERECEDES was there. She knows too. And so do her dads. "

"Oh god…." Finn whispered, sitting on the chair which he had recently reunited with the floor "How long is it gonna be before they tell my mom and your dad?" A distressed look washed over his face as he put his face in his hands.

Carol Hudson walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, and noticing his forlorn-looking her son's face, asked Finn "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"The little Jew is pregnant." Kurt said, walking out of the room.

"What he said…" Finn said, slowly fading out as he pointed to his brother walking up the stairs.

"Is it yours this time?" Carol asked, fear something like anxiousness and fear spreading across her face, "Not Puck's?"  
"No, this one's mine... I think." Finn replied.

"Finn, we can't afford a baby!" Carol yelled, her eyes darting around the room "It'll need food, and clothes, and diapers and-"  
"Mom relax." Finn said, putting his hand on his mother's shoulder. "Rachel's got it all figured out. She can explain her plan to you later, because I can't really remember what it was, but it made sense and sounded smart."

"Okay… Carol said, looking much calmer now "And you're sure it's not Puck's?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Finn, your mom told me your girlfriend's pregnant again." Mr. Schu said, walking up to the giraffe-like student.

"What are you talking about?!" Finn yelled, clearly wanting the man to shut up before anyone could hear.

Placing a hand on Finn's shoulder, Mr. Schu said sweetly, "Finn we can't keep secrets from each other. You know that. It's because our relationship is so special. We've got our girls, and we call each other best friends-"

"Wait since when were you my-"

Ignoring Finn's interruption, the curly-haired ped-I mean, Spanish teacher, continued "-but we know our relationship is so much more than that. And I'm ready to go public with that as soon as you're eighteen."

Finn realized Mr. Schu had backed him into an empty classroom. "Look Mr. Schu, you're cool and all, but I don't swing that way.. Maybe you could take Principal Figgins out or something.." Finn said, starting to freak out a bit.

"Fine, okay, I see how it is. I thought you really cared about me Finn. My mistake." He replied.

"Okay.. Uhh, bye." Finn replied, grabbing his books tighter and trying desperately to leave the room.

"I'm letting you be the best man at my wedding! Would I have done that if I didn't love you?"

"Mr. Schu, if you love...me then why are you marrying Emma?" Finn replied, now thoroughly confused.

"Because she has red hair." Mr. Schu replied.

"Okay, nothing you're saying is making sense."

"Look, maybe we can get married! We could make babies together and just dye their hair red!"

"Mr. Schu, I don't think you understand where babies come fr-"

"We could run away to Massachusetts and elope! As soon as you turn eighteen! When is that?"

"Later.." Finn replied, "But now I have math class."

"Oh okay! So you'll be ready by lunch?" Will said, excitedly.

"Umm, no. I've got Rachel. Sorry, Mr. Schu, I'm just really not into you like that." Finn said, awkwardly.

"Oh okay. Well I can do better than you anyways! I'll find Puck, he's eighteen already, isn't he?" The _much_ older man said, trying to remember Puck's age. "Oh, and you don't need to try to shut me up about your frankenbun-in-the-oven. JBI had Rachel's room bugged. It's all over the blogasphere now, buddy."

Schu patted Finn on the shoulder, before walking to his Spanish classroom to prepare to spend all day pretending he understood what he was doing.

* * *

Rachel walked into her first period class, where the rest of the students were waiting for her wearing party hats, and holding a large sheet cake that read 'CONGRATS ON FUCKING'.

Immediately, she found out the very large, very Jewish afro of Jacob Ben Israel in the crowd, and picking him up by his curly, red hair, she whispered in a dead-serious tone "I don't know what this is, or how it came to be, but I'm pretty sure you had something to do with it, and even if you didn't, I've got plenty of other reasons to beat you senseless. Now you have three minutes to take this all down or I will personally rip you limb from limb, are we clear?"

Jacob tried to nod, but found himself unable to, because of Rachel's tight grip on his hair.

Rachel set Jacob down, and he began instructing the rest of the class to take it all down, and Rachel quickly darted out of the room and towards the auditorium, beginning to cry.

As she entered, she saw her boyfriend sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the stage, staring staring at a piece of paper on the ground. As she approached him, she said "Finn what in the world are you doing?"

Without looking up from the ground, he answered, "Mr. Schu was being all weird-something about getting married and making babies together-

Rachel's brow furrowed as she interrupted, "But Finn, you and Mr. Schu are both guys, you can't.. make.. babies.."

"I know, and it made me forget how to get to get to math class, so I got a map and came here to try to figure it out, but it's just confusing me more."

Rachel stepped up on to the stage and sat down next to her boyfriend, and for thirty minutes, they sat on the stage, Rachel talked about her horrific first period experience as he comforted her. When she was finished talking, she turned to Finn and said "Alright, now let's help you find your math class." as she picked up the map he had brought.

"Finn, this is a map of Western Europe."


	5. Chapter 5

Rachel and Finn sat in the waiting room at their doctor's office waiting for the first ultrasound.

"So I'm saying, if it's a girl, we obviously name her Barbra, and if it's a boy, then we name him Stephen, after Stephen Tate and Stephen Hanan, the two original Asparaguses- West End and Broadway."

The Doctor then walked in and asked if anyone had seen anything appearing bizarre, unusual, alien, impossible-seeming, or otherwise out of the ordinary. Confused, the four couples in the waiting room said that they had not, he thanked them, looking relieved left in a hurry.

"Well that was odd. But Finn, we're clear on the name-"

"Rachel Berry!" called the receptionist.

The pair walked up to the desk, and the receptionist lead them back to a room where they waited for their doctor.

"Finn," Rachel began nervously, "What if Shelby won't take our baby?"

"I don't know, this is really kind off confusing for me." Finn replied, slightly distracted by some weird noise that seemed to be coming from a blue box he could see through the window

Slightly annoyed, Rachel came back with "Finn we need a plan B. Try to come up with something."

"I'm trying, Rach, it's just that whirring noise from that box is making it really hard to think." He said, pointing out the window.

Squinting at where Finn was pointing, she asked "Finn, what the hell are you talking about? There's nothing there."

"But I swear I just-"

"Miss Berry?" asked a man staring down at a clipboard.

"That's me." Rachel said, staring at the ground.

The ultrasound technician looked up at Rachel, and upon seeing her stomach, said "Woah! Okay, way too big to be twenty weeks..." he cocked his head to the side "Or you could just be fat. Either way, come on up!" he said, gesturing to the bed. She did as he said.

"Okay! We got multiple heartbeats going on here, thought so. Ahh, we got twins going on here! Do you want to know about the sex?"

"We already know about the sex, duh, how would we have a baby if we didn't?" Finn replied.

"Ignore him, yes we would like to know." Rachel answered.

"Alright..." the technician said, moving his transducer (you have no idea how long it took me to find out the name of that thingy) on her stomach "It looks like we have a boy and a girl!"

"Okay, Finn, there's two now, we really have to check with Shelby." Rachel said.

* * *

"Rachel! I wasn't expecting you to come!" Shelby said, as she opening her door just enough to fit her face out, then noticing Rachel's rather large bump, closed her eyes and begged "Tell me the singing skyscraper didn't knock you up."

"Umm, actually, that's kinda why we came." Rachel started, looking down at her shoes. "You see, with my career taking off soon, and Finn... Well, being Finn, we aren't really able to raise a baby. Or, actually two. And you are doing such a great job with Beth.." Rachel looked up at her mother with puppy eyes that only partially came from the years of training.

"I'd love to! It turns out that raising teenagers' babies is what I'm best at! Now you two, go do whatever it is teenagers do! Have fun!" Shelby answered.

"Thanks! So.. um, uh bye, I guess."

"Yes, bye!" Shelby said closing her door and finishing the pentagram she had been making on the floor with bananas, mangoes, and strawberries. "LUCIFRUIT, EXCEPT MY OFFERING TO YOU"


End file.
